Sometimes Helpful is Hurtful

Posted on December 07th, 2009 in Health, Kids

Something happened today that I almost couldn’t believe. I’m still processing the innuendo and I’d like to share it with you for your thoughts on the matter.

I was picking up baby girl from daycare today when one of her teachers remarked that she was getting so big, so fast. I laughed and agreed and told her that I have trouble keeping her in pants that are long enough. As we were walking away she said, “Oh, uh huh. Maybe you can get her playing outside this summer, more exercise so she can burn calories..”

I kinda shrugged it off as we walked away. We got around the corner and baby girl said, “She thinks I’m fat. That’s why she said I should burn calories.” It broke my heart to hear her acknowledge the innuendo and that she knew what it meant. I explained to her that sometimes people say things that they think are helpful but in reality are hurtful. I gave her an example of a time she’d done something similar, not intending to be hurtful. She paused for a minute, processing my explanation. Then she told me that this teacher has commented to her numerous times that she needs to burn more calories; this wasn’t the first time.

Am I out of line in thinking this is something she shouldn’t be saying to children? I mean, baby girl’s feelings were obviously hurt. I’m not sure if I’m being too sensitive or not but I think she needs to STFU already.

Baby girl IS overweight but she’s built like I was at that age. When I hit puberty I finally quit looking like a pumpkin. She’s not grossly overweight and her doctor said she’s the same amount overweight that she has been since she was 2 – no change in percentage at all. Her doctor has no concerns about her exercise or eating habits. Anyway, I’m going to pause and reflect before I reach out and touch the daycare owner about it. Thoughts?

Tags: baby girl, manners

Kelly Mitton

Robin,

I’m not a mother, but I do know what it feels like to have those seemingly “innocent” (they are NOT!) comments made. The last thing any little girl needs at a young age is to already begin having a self image issue … trust me, those comments stick with you. Lecturing on calories to a child (really?) is not the place of her teacher.

Maybe she has a few issues of her own …

#justsayin ;)
Paul Paris

Robin, this teacher is way out of line. First of all embarrassing someone about their weight is not helpful to anyone. Second if she had any compassion she would have had a conversation with you and not in front of the child. I think that this person showed complete disrespect for the child and you and if it was me I am at the school tomorrow asking how they let someone so insensitive and clearly with no consideration for someone’s feelings be around children.
kook

I’d say something. I’m assuming that this teacher is not a doctor or a nutritionist or a personal trainer. She needs to keep her judgmental opinion to herself.
http://www.peakhistory.com Marguerite Granat

Robin, I think that this is unacceptable for the teacher to make those comments. First of all, these comments can have a lasting effect on a small girl. If your girl is healthy that is all that matters. A healthy self esteem will come in handy. I definitely think that this teacher needs to keep her opinions to herself. It is not her job to determine whether your child needs to exercise or not. I don’t have kids but would be very upset if a teacher said something like that to my child.
Meg

My son has a learning disability. Someone very close to me once made innuendo he was stupid, not the victim of a learning disorder. Needless to say, people say things with out thought. There is no excuse for this “foot in mouth” behavior. Speak to the teacher AND her director. Do not let this slight slide, especially if she is making comments to baby girl when you are not around. At least I wouldn’t.
http://hrmargo.com HRMargo

That teacher deserves to be formally disciplined. I would write a complaint to the manager of the center, and see to it that she is taken to task for her inappropriate behavior.
http://www.linkedin.com/in/fholmhogan Fran Holm Hogan

I have children & grandchildren and hearing something like this makes my teeth hurt. This teacher should not be allowed to work with children! How utterly stupid & insensitive of her to comment on a child’s weight or anything to do with her appearance.
I agree with Kelly that she most likely has issues of her own.

You will be doing your baby girl and all the other children under this teacher’s supervision a favor by talking to the director. Some people use “being helpful”as an excuse to be unkind. Don’t let her get away with it.
http://www.raisingtarah.com Lisa Rosendahl

That was not helpful, that was judgemental and your baby girl needs to know all the things that are great about her. I wouldn’t be able to let that one go . . . my daughter’s self esteem is too important and by standing up for yours, you’ll be setting an example for her to follow when she is in a position to stand up for herself.
Laura

Robin,
Speaking as a teacher myself, I agree that she was out of line saying something like that to you OR your child. Do I think she was trying to be hurtful? Probably not. I would say 99% of teachers are teachers because they DO like children, so I wouldn’t say that she shouldn’t be allowed to teach as some others have commented. However, since baby girl has said that this isn’t the first time she has made these inappropriate comments, I do think you should address it. I would start with the teacher and express your concerns. Depending on the outcome of that encounter, I might or might not address it with the owner at present. If you feel that the comments will stop after speaking with the teacher, I’d leave it at that. If not, then take it up with the director. Either way, I’d let the teacher know that if it happens again, there will be heck to pay!!! Good luck and I hope you get the resolution you are looking for.
Kerry Noone (Sodexo Careers)

No way – no how should that teacher have EVER said anything to your daughter! How rude – I’m shocked. Do you plan to address this with her so she doesn’t do it again? She should not be concerned with your child’s eating habits as it’s none of her business.
imjustagoyle

Thank you, everyone, for your comments. I walked away rather than freak out like I wanted to, because I wanted to address this with a cool head instead of a hot one.

I really like this teacher and I don’t feel that she was being purposely hurtful. However, I do feel that she should know how what she said has affected baby girl. Depending on the outcome of that conversation, I will decide whether or not to discuss the situation with the owner of the daycare.

I’m glad to know that you all felt similarly and that I wasn’t just being an overprotective mom. :)
Shennee

Robin- What that teacher said to Baby Girl was highly innapropriate. So sorry! I am with Margo, you really should write a formal complaint, and she should be disciplined. Children need positive reinforcement and confidence building. So unfair.
Ann Barrow Huebsch

This is an excellent topic. Knowing you, and how tall you and BG’s father are, it’s no surprise that she’s a big baby girl!

Teachers, of all people, should know what terrible self-image problems young girls have. Why else are there so many anorexic and bulemic teens – and pre teens! – out there? At 7 years of age, your daughter should NOT be pushed in the direction of obsessing about her weight!

A private conversation with the teacher (you are smart to wait until you can do this calmly) might actually help her to be a better educator. If not, well…have her disciplined.
http://thedailyblonde.com The Daily Blonde

UGH. I am livid. I want to go and say something to that teacher. When my daughter (23) was 8 or 9 she had what I’d call “pre-puberty chunkiness”…healthy, beautiful, oh so cute. Kids called her fat and a gym teacher called her “heavy”. She became a thin teen…so thin she looked emaciated. My youngest, now 9, often says “am I fat?” She is a twig…so thin that I have to tighten up her jeans with a belt.
WHO is telling these kids what’s fat, what’s skinny……other kids. BUT when a teacher starts commenting–and making a comment like THAT in front of a child (or at all!!) they need to have their mouth washed out with soap. Preferably the nastiest soap on the planet.

My son goes thru his day in 8th grade hearing teachers say “cut your hair” “you aren’t going to make much of yourself with that long hair”. I go in and read them the riot act…and they do nothing.

I’m sorry your gorgeous girl heard this—you tell that teacher that she’s a major asshat.
kook

I'd say something. I'm assuming that this teacher is not a doctor or a nutritionist or a personal trainer. She needs to keep her judgmental opinion to herself.

imjustagoyle

Get More Goyle via email:

Blogroll

Recent Posts

Sometimes Helpful is Hurtful

Advertising

Find me-follow me-add me!

Recent Comments

Archives