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Whoever said women should just “grow old gracefully” should be smacked in the mouth. What’s graceful about growing old? Nothing, nada, zilch, zero – that’s what.

I’m 37 years old; in my mind I’m still a teenager but my body is reminding me daily that I’m far from it. With age comes new (daily) wrinkles, cellulite, health issues, hormone fluctuations that take me from calm and rational to raging wildwoman in mere seconds and what’s this new thing I’ve found?? Oh right, facial hair – because getting old wasn’t cruel enough. THANK YOU! May I please have another?

Let’s review my current ailments and aging complaints:

1. Bone spur in my big toe joint. What does this mean? It means I can’t wear heels. Have you ever tried structuring a “girlie” wardrobe around athletic shoes?

2. Adult acne. This seems to be getting worse with age, not better. WTF? I might think I’m a teenager, but I don’t want to look like one!

3.  Changing hair color. Now mind you, I’m lucky in that I’m a natural redhead so that means I am less prone to gray (I get very few) but what’s pissing me off is that my beautiful strawberry blonde now looks more like aged brick. I started playing with hair color – various shades of red – and now it seems I can’t stop. No red is “quite right” and they all fade in a few washes (permanent my ass!). This is an exercise in futility.

4. Hereditary Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. Or more simply, hypothyroidism…with a kick. It seems that my immune system has mistaken my normally operating thyroid as an invader and is prepared to destroy it. I was diagnosed 10 years ago when I was 27; no biggie, take this pill every day and you’ll be fine. Or not. My lovely inherited auto-immune thyroid issue also comes equipped with goiter and nodules; nodules which have grown larger over the last 10 years and now warrant FNA. (that’s Fine Needle Aspiration, folks). YAY!

5. Arthritis.  So let me get this straight – now the simple act of blow drying my hair is excruciating? Right. No heels AND letting my hair air dry? I might as well quit shaving my pits, put on some damn tye-dye and be done with it.

What else do I have to look forward to? Do I really want to know?